A Four-Part Alchemical Journey Through Breakdown, Astrology, and Herbal Medicine
What Is This Article Here to Do?
Believe it or not, this piece began as a simple herbal tincture recipe for mood support, a quick how-to with the ingredients listed, a few notes on what they do, and that would be that.
The first drafts read like classic cookbook herbalism: add ingredient A to B to get the end result of C. Functional and effective, yet missing something deeper.
But the longer I sat with it—through what turned into a harrowing few months (thank you, Mars Retrograde) the piece began to shift.
What I thought would be a quick instructional post turned into something far more personal that had me diving deeper into the hidden layers of my consciousness.
At the start of this year, I faced a series of challenges that forced me to reckon with parts of myself I had long kept tucked away: unconscious patterns built to keep me safe, lingering questions about my “why,” and a stubborn absence of joy and purpose that could no longer be ignored.
What began as an herbal formula became a mirror.
As a result this piece is no longer just a tincture recipe. It’s a personal case study—a psycho-spiritual exploration of the healing journey itself, told through the process of herbal formulation.
And while this piece is deeply personal, my hope is that in sharing my process, you’ll find reflections of your own journey too. Inviting you to look more closely at your own patterns, your sense of purpose, and what healing truly means for you.
This Article Is Part One of a Four-Part Series
This series follows the arc of herbal formulation through the lens of the four phases of the alchemical process—a framework rooted in traditional alchemy and echoed in Carl Jung’s model of psychological transformation. Each phase represents a critical stage of healing, self-inquiry, and integration.
Here’s what to expect in each part:
Part I: Nigredo – The Breakdown & Case Study
The initiation point. A raw, personal look at my own descent into burnout, self-doubt, and emotional fragmentation. This is the “dark night of the soul” phase—the point of initiation through catharsis and the beginning of why this formula needed to exist.
Part II: Albedo – The Formulation Process
The purification stage. I’ll walk you through the herbs I chose, their planetary and energetic correspondences, and how I crafted a heart-centered tincture using various holistic systems, including astrology, to assess and meet my own imbalances.
Part III: Citrinitas – Using the Tincture & Lifestyle Shifts
The illumination phase. This section explores what happened when I began working with the remedy in real time, alongside key lifestyle changes, and what began to shift—whether subtly or significantly.
Part IV: Rubedo – Integration & Reflection
The final stage of embodiment. A reflective look at the process as a whole: what worked, what didn’t, what I learned, and whether I’d adjust the formula moving forward.
The Alchemy of Falling Apart (So You Can Put Yourself Back Together)
Otherwise Known as Nigredo: The Initial Decay of Self
There are four phases in the alchemical process. The first, Nigredo, or “the blackening,” marks the beginning of all transformation. It is often described as the decay or putrefaction of matter—the necessary breaking down before anything new can emerge.
In traditional alchemy, this stage involves calcination: the burning and complete incineration of the Prima Materia (base ingredients) until only a uniform blackened ash remains.
In Jungian psychology, Nigredo corresponds to the dark night of the soul—a period of deep introspection and ego dissolution. This spiritual, physical, and psychological phase is associated with the archetypal energy of Saturn, which is slow, heavy, sobering, and necessary.
Saturn, often woefully misunderstood as the “big bad malefic” next to Mars, performs the necessary function of stripping us down to our bare, fundamental components—so the Magnum Opus, or Great Work, can truly begin.
“When you see your matter going black, rejoice, for this is the beginning of the work.”
— Rosarium Philosophorum
My initiation into another round of Nigredo began in early 2025, right as Mars was retrograde in Cancer. And remember how I mentioned earlier that Mars and Saturn often get cast as the villains of the planetary lineup?
They can be challenging, no doubt. Both planets and archetypes have their edges. But through my own experience, you'll see just how critical they are in initiating the healing process. They serve as antagonists for a reason, purposefully bringing up the underlying issues you didn’t even know were there—or were willfully ignoring.
How Mars Retrograde Stripped Me Down to Start the Healing Work
It’s one thing to study these archetypes in charts and books. It’s another to live them. Which brings me to my own experience with this Mars retrograde transit.
Mars rules our sense of drive and purpose. It’s the part of us that locks in when we set our heart and soul on a goal, fueling us with the energy to move forward, to grow, and to achieve.
So it was no surprise that when Mars began its retrograde cycle, it struck right at the heart of where I normally feel the most confident, driven, and secure in my skills: My writing.
I was completely stuck. I couldn’t function. Everything that came out onto the page felt robotic—lifeless, forced, and devoid of meaning. It was so agonizingly bad.
The spark that usually fueled my words was gone. And at the worst possible time: I had just launched my Substack. (You know, that platform specifically for writers who want to share and monetize their writing?) The irony here was not lost on me.
What I thought would be a simple publishing platform quickly became a sprawling ecosystem layered on top of everything else I already manage—email lists, bios, social media, writing deadlines, tiered pricing, tech infrastructure... the works.
All while trying to build the foundation of my herbalism career: clinical training, registration with the AHG, client case studies, and coursework. I had wildly underestimated how hard it would be.
I felt behind. Uninspired. And like maybe I wasn’t cut out for any of this after all.
Still, I kept plugging along with as much optimism as I could summon. (Side note: do not read the news if you’re already teetering on the edge. It’ll drain the last drop of your faith in a humanity that seems increasingly desensitized to death, suffering, and lies.)
And then my computer died. And with it, my last shred of sanity.
It felt like the final blow. The calcination of my old work. The loss of everything tethered to that machine. The last brittle thread snapping.
From there, the depression crept in.
I drifted into that diffused, heavy Saturnian realm. And it’s no coincidence that the word saturnine means slow, somber, and lost in the labyrinth of one’s own mind—it perfectly described where I was.
I had completely lost my motivation. I stopped making progress on my AHG requirements and studies. I started questioning if I was even good at anything at all.
The tension lodged itself into my body—settling in my chest, neck, and shoulders so deeply that when a loved one massaged me, they said I felt like a coat hanger.
The Second Breakdown and the Next Layer of Healing
Meanwhile, my work partner/editor/mother was nudging me to film more videos. “You can’t hide behind your writing,” she said.
But I like hiding. I’m shy. Reserved.
Writing is where I feel safe—safe enough to take up space. I even majored in creative writing in college because it’s the one place I’ve always felt I could express myself fully. The shy little girl who bumbled her way through life could finally, through writing, become eloquent. Self-assured. Everything she wished she could be in person.
Still, I tried—because my mother, a Pisces Sun with a Scorpio Moon, didn’t raise a quitter. And when her third eye kicks in? I’ve learned not to argue.
So, I leaned in. Did it anyway. Started filming.
It took me three days to record a 30-second video.
In the early takes, you can see the fear in my eyes. (I still have them saved in my camera roll—reminders for when I finally break through this bitter husk and into the sweet fruit at the center, of where I started.)
I felt raw. Exposed. Struggling to summon up the words just to say: "Hey, I wrote a blog about a tarot spread I made... go read it... it’s good."
An embarrassing number of takes later, I finally broke down crying. And after that I knew something’s gotta change.
Becoming the Client: Turning Breakdown into Remedy
This wasn’t just about crafting a new herbal formula, it was about asking the real, honest, and uncomfortable questions:
Why do I feel so stuck? So low? So fragmented?
So, I turned inward. Back into the chamber of reflection.
During this period I started listening to a lecture by Sajah Popham from the School of Evolutionary Herbalism, where he spoke about illness from an alchemical perspective, not as the failure of the body, mind, or soul, but as a prime catalyst for initiation. A soul challenge. A call to evolve. Most importantly: an opportunity to be seized for deeper healing.
That struck something deep.
It lit a desire to return to my work with new eyes, renewed curiosity, and finally, a willingness to confront the shadowy aspects of myself I’d been sweeping under the rug for far too long.
This is how I’m still learning to approach healing as an herbalist—one who integrates a wide range of tools and holistic systems, including astrology, to uncover the root of imbalance.
As herbalists who truly want to devote our time in service towards the healing of others, we observe. We look for patterns. We listen to the body, the psyche, the soul, the birth chart, or whatever holistic lens we’re using to assess our clients.
That might mean reading the tongue and pulse in Traditional Chinese Medicine, assessing the expression of the Doshas through Ayurveda, or using the framework of humoral theory to understand constitutional imbalances.
We also consider everything else: diet, movement, interpersonal relationships, emotions, environment, spiritual well-being, and even ancestral or congenital patterns.
Together, these threads guide not just the herbs we choose, but how we help clients make informed, lasting lifestyle shifts.
And this time? I was the client, and I had to observe myself.
This breakdown—this spiritual blackening marked the true genesis of my latest formulation.
What emerged was a remedy built from the ground up, guided by my natal chart, constitutional tendencies, assessment of mental illness patterns within my own family/ancestral line, and long-held emotional and energetic imbalances.
Not just to feel better but to begin healing from the inside out.
Closing Thoughts + What’s Next
I hope this first part has shown that when we craft herbal remedies, whether for ourselves or our loved ones—it’s a lot like writing: we need a clear purpose.
And finding that purpose often means digging deep. It asks us to examine the layered aspects of our lives with greater care and intention, so we can formulate remedies that truly speak to the places most in need of healing.
For me, this is where herbalism gets interesting. It’s when we get curious about how the various aspects of life come together to weave the web of our well-being.
Now that you know where I’m starting from—my baseline—Part 2 will take you deeper into the actual formulation of this tincture.
We’ll explore how I assessed my physical constitution, how I used pieces of my natal chart to identify areas in need of attunement, and how I began weaving those insights into the remedy itself.
We’ll also talk more about what it means to cultivate a sacred relationship with the plants that offer us medicine and how tending to this bond teaches us to tend to ourselves. Because the goal isn’t just to create something that provides surface-level relief, but a remedy that reaches into the root of the wound and supports true, lasting healing.
Alright—that’s everything for now. I’ll see you in Part 2.
Till Next Time, Mythical One,
Ayame (あやめ)
✦︎ ✦︎ ✦︎
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Related Posts:
The Healing Formula: Part II – Albedo, The Purification
A Tarot Spread to Help you Keep your Sh*t Together
The No Pressure Way to Start Tarot Journaling Today
